Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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