i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
