I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize