Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
