I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
