What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
