What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
