Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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