Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
