No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
is it fun? or sober?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
