we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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