I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
