K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
