I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
two words...techno handjob
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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