I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
