the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
