Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
