Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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