Don't make out with my wife yet
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
