this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
