A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
