Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We smell like vodka and hangover
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
