Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
