I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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