It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
