Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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