I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
