Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
