i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
