Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
