I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
FUCK WHALES
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