I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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