what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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