Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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