How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
