Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
