You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
