i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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