On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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