his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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