That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
