I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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