Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
