All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
