remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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