my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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