she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
