I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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