Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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