No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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