if you like me you must not know who I am
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
