THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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