your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize