i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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