Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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