He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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