Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
