don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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