wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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