Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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