my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
